Why Abusers Rush Into New Relationships

The conclusion of a relationship with a controlling abuser often ushers in a baffling phase: their rapid transition into a new partnership. Grasping the reasons behind these swift moves can illuminate the dynamics of abusive relationships and the mentality of the abuser.

The Need for Control and Validation

Controlling abusers flourish within power dynamics in relationships. Lundy Bancroft, in his seminal work Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, points out that for many abusers, relationships are less about mutual respect and love and more about asserting dominance (Bancroft, 2002).

When a victim leaves, the abuser’s sense of control is disrupted, prompting a desperate need to regain it. Quickly starting a new relationship allows the abuser to reassure themselves of their dominance and desirability, using their new partner to fill the void left by their previous victim’s departure.

After I left my abusive husband following an 11-year marriage, he immediately began searching for a new partner. He joined various dating sites and, within six weeks of our separation, had started a relationship with a woman from another country, even flying out to meet her. When that relationship failed, he quickly moved on to the next, even involving our six-year-old son in his online chats with a woman he was pursuing.

The Pretense of Stability

Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, explains that abusers need to maintain a semblance of normalcy and superiority (Evans, 1996). Quickly finding a new partner helps them project an image of resilience and stability to their social circle and themselves.

This swift transition is often accompanied by a narrative that paints the abuser as the victim of their previous relationship, reinforcing their self-perceived innocence and righteousness. This facade is crucial for the abuser’s self-esteem and manipulation of others' perceptions.

My ex-husband worked hard to present himself as a ‘family man’ and a ‘devout Christian,’ claiming he needed a new wife to “achieve a sense of wholeness that cannot be reached alone.” While convincing himself and others of his moral values and faith, he was simultaneously using dating apps, pursuing a relationship with a live-in home helper, and attempting to reconcile with me. Abusers are truly adept at maintaining a deceptive facade.

The Abusive Cycle

In Women with Controlling Partners, Carol Lambert outlines the cyclical nature of abusive relationships (Lambert, 2016). Abusers often begin with 'love-bombing,' overwhelming their partners with affection and praise during the ‘idealization’ phase. This tactic quickly creates the illusion of a perfect partner and an idyllic relationship, captivating the new victim's emotions and loyalty early on. However, this phase is inevitably followed by ‘devaluation,’ where the partner is subjected to criticism and belittlement.

By quickly moving into a new relationship, abusers can restart this cycle, indulging in the early 'honeymoon' phase that had faded in their previous relationship. This repetitive cycle not only provides a psychological thrill for the abuser but also helps conceal their manipulative behavior from both themselves and their new partner.

The swift transition of an abuser into a new relationship after a breakup is driven by deep psychological needs and patterns of behavior. Understanding these motivations is crucial for survivors, helping them to contextualize the end of the relationship and the abuser’s subsequent actions. It is important for survivors to focus on their healing journey, recognizing that the abuser’s actions reflect their issues, not the worth or desirability of the survivor.

References

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.

Evans, P. (1996). The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. Adams Media Corporation.

Lambert, C. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.